New, More Appropriate Punishments
By Co-Founder Jamie
CALLING ALL POLITICIANS. It’s time to get off your butts and actually do something useful. There are people in this world who need to be punished and right now the consequences for their actions don’t fit the bill. I have more appropriate punishment ideas for these situations: - Being unruly on an airplane
- Overdrawing your bank account - Talking in movie theatres
- Wearing clashing colours
- Embezzlement
- Making me wait
I would like you to enfore these punishments by law around the country. They are as follows...
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UNRULY AIRPLANE PASSENGERS
We’ve all seen videos of people being difficult on air- planes and then being escorted off. This puts all other passengers in a position where they are waiting for security to arrive and then waiting even longer for the person to actually be escorted off the aircraft. Our solu- tion is let them stay on the flight but take the back off their seat. They will be extremly uncomfortable for the entire flight, not being able to sit back. They’ll be sitting forward, hunched over. If they’re especially unruly and have really caused a scene, put them in one of the exit rows, take the back off their seat and turn them around so they’re facing the other passengers for the whole plane ride. This will cause embarrassment and make them never want to cause trouble on an aircraft again. This punishment is much more suitable and we would like it to be enforced as soon as possible.
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OVERDRAWN BANK ACCOUNTS
Right now there are millions of people across the US overdrawing their bank accounts and the current punish- ment for this is fees. Fees? Banks are punishing people with no money by charging them more money, over- drawing their accounts even further? We have a more suitable punishment. Issue them a new card but make it A4 sized with a number that is so long it’s almost un- typable. This will do two things: 1, discourage people from using their card physically in stores because it will be so annoying to carry around people will flat out not take their card with them when they go out, resulting in
them not spending money. Having a card that large will also envoke a sense of embarrassment out in public and will deter spenders from taking their card out in public spaces. And 2, the new number on their card will be hundreds of digits long so when they try to buy some- thing online it will be so difficult to type their card de- tails into the computer that they will eventually give up and not spend the money. This punishment makes much more sense than continuing to overdraw bank accounts even further.
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CLASHING COLOURS
No one wants to see you wearing colours that don’t match. If you’re wearing colours that clash, prepare to be punished. By law, everyone around you will have
to start wearing clashing colours so you have to see what it’s like. By law, all passersby will be draped in eye-searing combinations and you will have to navigate through a carnival of fashion disasters.
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EMBEZZLEMENT
The current punishmenet for embezzlement is things like fines and jail time. That’s all well and good but we have a better idea. Co-Founder Jamie eats a plant- based diet and has an animal-rights mindset. If she gets caught stealing money from the business she works at the punishment will be as follows: the government will take the taxes she pays every year and will donate part of them to the meat industry. When she pays her tax-
es she will get a letter stating that the money went to places like local abbotoirs, animal farms and hunting clubs every year. This would infuriate Jamie to her core, more than a simple fine. I work with a republican and
if he were charged with embezzlement and part of his tax dollars went to the Democrats somehow, year after year, he would be absolutely infuriated too and it would be the ultimate punishment. So find out what the person believes in most and financially support the opposite of that with their own money.
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MAKING ME WAIT
I’m seeing a doctor who charges an $80 fee (twice as much as an appointment) when I miss an appointment. Fine, but I want to charge a late appointment fee when she calls me into the room 45 minutes late. Every six months I sit waiting in the waiting room for 45 minutes after our scheduled time and there’s no repurcussions.